Wednesday, September 06, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: Relationships
"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
"We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 69
My drinking caused problems in all my relationships; family, friends, business, and romantic. I had to review my past behavior in each of these and be willing to admit to the other person where I was wrong.
The amends I made to my family and friends were in some ways the most difficult because they were the people whom I cared about most, but they also turned out to be the most appreciative and supportative because they cared about me. Making amends to business colleagues was difficult because in many case, I felt as though I had been harmed more than the other person, but I was there to take responsibility for my part of the situation.
The challenge in making amends to old girlfriends was in insuring that my motives were honorable. I admit that I was tempted to use my new sobriety as a ploy to rekindle romantic feelings. Afterall, if the relationship's problems were due to my drinking, shouldn't the relationship pick back up since I had put a stop to the root cause? I'm not saying that this logic is flawed for everyone, but it didn't work out that way for me. Although alcohol my have stunted my emotional maturity and growth, my past girlfriends, who were not alcoholic, had healed and moved on. Sure, there may have been some nostalgia in their hearts, but no smoldering fires. Most were genuinely happy for me and some may have been sad that I hadn't found sobriety sooner, a couple just simply didn't care. But, none of them were looking to rekindle anything.
So, my advice to anyone looking to make amends to past romantic relationships is to treat the amend just like you would a business colleague. Go into it with the right motive -- take responsibility for your part and put out of your mind the wrongs of the other person. Don't have any hidden motives, desires or expectations. If anything is to rekindle, it's best to give it a good deal of time. It takes a while to rebuild trust once it's lost. At the very least, let the other person be the initiator.
Get the latest edition of:
Alcoholics Anonymous
AA Services
aa addiction alcoholism recovery sponsornet substance abuse
"We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 69
My drinking caused problems in all my relationships; family, friends, business, and romantic. I had to review my past behavior in each of these and be willing to admit to the other person where I was wrong.
The amends I made to my family and friends were in some ways the most difficult because they were the people whom I cared about most, but they also turned out to be the most appreciative and supportative because they cared about me. Making amends to business colleagues was difficult because in many case, I felt as though I had been harmed more than the other person, but I was there to take responsibility for my part of the situation.
The challenge in making amends to old girlfriends was in insuring that my motives were honorable. I admit that I was tempted to use my new sobriety as a ploy to rekindle romantic feelings. Afterall, if the relationship's problems were due to my drinking, shouldn't the relationship pick back up since I had put a stop to the root cause? I'm not saying that this logic is flawed for everyone, but it didn't work out that way for me. Although alcohol my have stunted my emotional maturity and growth, my past girlfriends, who were not alcoholic, had healed and moved on. Sure, there may have been some nostalgia in their hearts, but no smoldering fires. Most were genuinely happy for me and some may have been sad that I hadn't found sobriety sooner, a couple just simply didn't care. But, none of them were looking to rekindle anything.
So, my advice to anyone looking to make amends to past romantic relationships is to treat the amend just like you would a business colleague. Go into it with the right motive -- take responsibility for your part and put out of your mind the wrongs of the other person. Don't have any hidden motives, desires or expectations. If anything is to rekindle, it's best to give it a good deal of time. It takes a while to rebuild trust once it's lost. At the very least, let the other person be the initiator.
Get the latest edition of:
Alcoholics Anonymous
AA Services
aa addiction alcoholism recovery sponsornet substance abuse
# posted by Bill B. @ 6:16 AM 
