Thursday, August 31, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: 3rd Step Prayer
"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 63
To say that letting go is counter-intuitive is to put it mildly. But, after thoughtful self-examination, I realized that what I was trying to hold on to wasn't that important. Clinging to my ideas had resulted in broken relationships, lost jobs, poor health, loneliness, and despair.
I was like a misguided Don Quixote fighting an imaginary foe that, in reality, was myself. I was defeated -- a casualty of war in the struggle to impose my will. I was left for dead and yet, I remained indignant lying on the barren battlefield defiantly humming the tune to Frank Sinatra's "My Way." What a loser!
In surrender, there is victory! Humbly asking God to manage my life was only the beginning, but the battle had ended. May the reconstruction continue.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 63
To say that letting go is counter-intuitive is to put it mildly. But, after thoughtful self-examination, I realized that what I was trying to hold on to wasn't that important. Clinging to my ideas had resulted in broken relationships, lost jobs, poor health, loneliness, and despair.
I was like a misguided Don Quixote fighting an imaginary foe that, in reality, was myself. I was defeated -- a casualty of war in the struggle to impose my will. I was left for dead and yet, I remained indignant lying on the barren battlefield defiantly humming the tune to Frank Sinatra's "My Way." What a loser!
In surrender, there is victory! Humbly asking God to manage my life was only the beginning, but the battle had ended. May the reconstruction continue.
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: Self-will Run Riot
"Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."
"Our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, thought he ususally doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 62
Looking back it's easy to see how I was my own worst enemy. Being honest, I can see that nearly every bad memory and regrettable event in my life was of my own doing and usually associated with drinking. I sabotaged my own happiness and success. I was living by a self-centered code that wasn't working. Being in the middle of it, I just couldn't (or wouldn't) see it. It was like being in quicksand, the harder I struggled, the deeper I sank.
Today, I take responsibility for my actions and I have righted the wrongs of my past where possible. I have stopped fighting myself and turned my will over to my Higher Power.
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"Our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, thought he ususally doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 62
Looking back it's easy to see how I was my own worst enemy. Being honest, I can see that nearly every bad memory and regrettable event in my life was of my own doing and usually associated with drinking. I sabotaged my own happiness and success. I was living by a self-centered code that wasn't working. Being in the middle of it, I just couldn't (or wouldn't) see it. It was like being in quicksand, the harder I struggled, the deeper I sank.
Today, I take responsibility for my actions and I have righted the wrongs of my past where possible. I have stopped fighting myself and turned my will over to my Higher Power.
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: Self
"The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success."
"Most people try to live by self-propulsion."
"... a self-seeker even when trying to be kind. Is he not a victum of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 61
What's so difficult about this Alcoholics Anonymous program? Only that I had to change my entire approach to life. I grew up believing that self-will, self-determination, and even self-help were the keys to success. When I didn't measure up to my self-image I concluded that I had not applied myself hard enough or that I had let external influences distract me from my goals.
In this regard, I don't see myself as being all that different from most people. But for me, this character defect combined with unrealistic expectations and my compulsive need to control my life, resulted in gut-wrenching pain and fear. I resorted to alcohol to cope with the frustration and failing to manage and live up to unobtainable goals.
So, one of the more difficult aspects of AA is re-learning how to live in a manner that includes self-sacrifice, service to others, and seeking God's will. This is a continual work-in-progress. I have by no means perfected this -- progress is my new objective.
Ironically, I have attained more relative "success" against my old values now that those things have taken a back seat.
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"Most people try to live by self-propulsion."
"... a self-seeker even when trying to be kind. Is he not a victum of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 61
What's so difficult about this Alcoholics Anonymous program? Only that I had to change my entire approach to life. I grew up believing that self-will, self-determination, and even self-help were the keys to success. When I didn't measure up to my self-image I concluded that I had not applied myself hard enough or that I had let external influences distract me from my goals.
In this regard, I don't see myself as being all that different from most people. But for me, this character defect combined with unrealistic expectations and my compulsive need to control my life, resulted in gut-wrenching pain and fear. I resorted to alcohol to cope with the frustration and failing to manage and live up to unobtainable goals.
So, one of the more difficult aspects of AA is re-learning how to live in a manner that includes self-sacrifice, service to others, and seeking God's will. This is a continual work-in-progress. I have by no means perfected this -- progress is my new objective.
Ironically, I have attained more relative "success" against my old values now that those things have taken a back seat.
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Monday, August 28, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: Alcohol(ISM)
"The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
"... three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 60
When I first admitted that I thought I might have a drinking problem, it was a step in the right direction -- not quite the same as AA's First Step, but it was progress. My admission was tentative and filled with conniving for an easy solution. I hadn't yet accepted that alcohol had beaten me -- only that it threw some pretty good punches.
I honestly don't remember exactly how, but one of the consequences of my admission was that I received some information about Alcoholics Anonymous. I read it and thought that I surely better straighten up or else I might end up like those folks. I wasn't ready to accept that I was an alcoholic and that my life was out of control. I wasn't ready to accept the help that the program offered. I was too afraid to admit I needed it and too proud to admit that I wanted it.
I continued to drink, knowing that I had a problem and continued to amass guilt and shame. Until finally, I couldn't take the pain -- I hit rock bottom. I felt like a worthless human being, a complete failure, like I'd let down, disgraced, and disgusted everyone that had ever cared about me -- I didn't even resent them any more. I just didn't care. At that point, my will was broken. I was defeated, powerless. And I was open to the idea of living differently. I was willing to be a passenger and let someone else do the driving.
And so, for me, without even realizing it at the time, I had taken the first Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. By God's Grace, perhaps prepared by my prior exposure to the 12-Steps, I intuitively knew what to do next. I picked up the phone and called a friend who introduced me to the AA program.
Because of the miracles that God, through AA, has worked in my life, I don't still have those feelings of helplessness and desperation. That is exactly why it is important for me to remember them and accept my alcoholism on a daily basis. Remember, it's alcohol(ISM), not alcohol(WASM).
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"... three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How it Works
Page 60
When I first admitted that I thought I might have a drinking problem, it was a step in the right direction -- not quite the same as AA's First Step, but it was progress. My admission was tentative and filled with conniving for an easy solution. I hadn't yet accepted that alcohol had beaten me -- only that it threw some pretty good punches.
I honestly don't remember exactly how, but one of the consequences of my admission was that I received some information about Alcoholics Anonymous. I read it and thought that I surely better straighten up or else I might end up like those folks. I wasn't ready to accept that I was an alcoholic and that my life was out of control. I wasn't ready to accept the help that the program offered. I was too afraid to admit I needed it and too proud to admit that I wanted it.
I continued to drink, knowing that I had a problem and continued to amass guilt and shame. Until finally, I couldn't take the pain -- I hit rock bottom. I felt like a worthless human being, a complete failure, like I'd let down, disgraced, and disgusted everyone that had ever cared about me -- I didn't even resent them any more. I just didn't care. At that point, my will was broken. I was defeated, powerless. And I was open to the idea of living differently. I was willing to be a passenger and let someone else do the driving.
And so, for me, without even realizing it at the time, I had taken the first Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. By God's Grace, perhaps prepared by my prior exposure to the 12-Steps, I intuitively knew what to do next. I picked up the phone and called a friend who introduced me to the AA program.
Because of the miracles that God, through AA, has worked in my life, I don't still have those feelings of helplessness and desperation. That is exactly why it is important for me to remember them and accept my alcoholism on a daily basis. Remember, it's alcohol(ISM), not alcohol(WASM).
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Sunday, August 27, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: 12 Steps
"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for His protection and care with complete abandon."
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 59
You may hear me say a time or two that this is a program of action. Notice that the instructions don't read, "You'll get half the benefit with only half the effort." Instead, it says, "Half measures availed us nothing." There is no partial credit -- it's an all or nothing proposition.
And really, when we honestly think about it, didn't we try half-hearted attempts time and time again -- and they never worked? So, why would we expect any different? Because we want easy, that's why. Remember, it's "simple, but not easy!"
We admit we have a problem; we accept the problem; and we take action!
"We came. We came to. We came to believe." It is a slow, gentle lifelong program of progress, learning to live life on life's terms one day at a time.
Steps:
1-3 Acceptance Steps
4-9 Action Steps -- (4-prepare/5-execute, 6-prepare/7-execute, 8-prepare/9-execute)
10-12 Maintenance Steps
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Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 59
You may hear me say a time or two that this is a program of action. Notice that the instructions don't read, "You'll get half the benefit with only half the effort." Instead, it says, "Half measures availed us nothing." There is no partial credit -- it's an all or nothing proposition.
And really, when we honestly think about it, didn't we try half-hearted attempts time and time again -- and they never worked? So, why would we expect any different? Because we want easy, that's why. Remember, it's "simple, but not easy!"
We admit we have a problem; we accept the problem; and we take action!
"We came. We came to. We came to believe." It is a slow, gentle lifelong program of progress, learning to live life on life's terms one day at a time.
Steps:
1-3 Acceptance Steps
4-9 Action Steps -- (4-prepare/5-execute, 6-prepare/7-execute, 8-prepare/9-execute)
10-12 Maintenance Steps
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Saturday, August 26, 2006
A.A.: How It Works: Hope and Humility
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."
"...the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
"Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 58
If you truly want out of the misery, as I did, and are totally willing to try a new approach (one in which we can no longer try to maintain control), then there is hope for us and a program that really works. We must fully humble (not humiliate) ourselves and surrender our way of doing things. If we don't, it won't work.
We're warned that we have a disease that doesn't want us to get better.
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"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."
"...the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
"Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
How It Works
Page 58
If you truly want out of the misery, as I did, and are totally willing to try a new approach (one in which we can no longer try to maintain control), then there is hope for us and a program that really works. We must fully humble (not humiliate) ourselves and surrender our way of doing things. If we don't, it won't work.
We're warned that we have a disease that doesn't want us to get better.
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Friday, August 25, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: He is and He can
"He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 57
Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.
There is a God -- and I'm not Him.
God answers "knee mails."
If God seems far away, who moved?
I can't... He can... I think I'll let him.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 57
Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.
There is a God -- and I'm not Him.
God answers "knee mails."
If God seems far away, who moved?
I can't... He can... I think I'll let him.
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Conscious Companionship
"For the first time, he lived in conscious companionship with his Creator."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 56
For some, the presence and Power of God comes like a lightening bolt. For others, the realization of their Higher Power develops more slowly. For me, it was like a new focus. I always knew God was there, but I did not pursue a relationship or His will. Through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I came to embrace the fact that God desires a close personal relationship with us all -- but we have to meet Him at least half way.
I came with certain spiritual beliefs and was offered a way of living rich with spiritual experiences -- I am forever grateful.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 56
For some, the presence and Power of God comes like a lightening bolt. For others, the realization of their Higher Power develops more slowly. For me, it was like a new focus. I always knew God was there, but I did not pursue a relationship or His will. Through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I came to embrace the fact that God desires a close personal relationship with us all -- but we have to meet Him at least half way.
I came with certain spiritual beliefs and was offered a way of living rich with spiritual experiences -- I am forever grateful.
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Came to Believe
"... deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself."
"... sweep away prejudice, ... think honestly, ... search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway. With this attitude you cannot fail."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 55
When I was drinking, I did not choose to search diligently for a Higher Power. I worshiped alcohol and on Sunday mornings I prayed to the porcelain shrine. When the pain of living in self-imposed ignorance became too great, I allowed myself to consider another way. I experienced a moment of clarity and was able to see that if I didn't radically change my life, I would die. I surrendered my will and worked to replace what had been a repressed belief with active faith. My relationship with God is still a personal matter, but it is a daily conscious activity.
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"... sweep away prejudice, ... think honestly, ... search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway. With this attitude you cannot fail."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 55
When I was drinking, I did not choose to search diligently for a Higher Power. I worshiped alcohol and on Sunday mornings I prayed to the porcelain shrine. When the pain of living in self-imposed ignorance became too great, I allowed myself to consider another way. I experienced a moment of clarity and was able to see that if I didn't radically change my life, I would die. I surrendered my will and worked to replace what had been a repressed belief with active faith. My relationship with God is still a personal matter, but it is a daily conscious activity.
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Childlike Faith
"Imagine life without faith! Were nothing left but pure reason, it wouldn't be life."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 54
We have never personally proven many of the physical laws that we take for granted each and every day. And yet, we hold them up as justification for our actions. As small children, before we even knew that there were the laws of science to support the way the world worked, we simply had faith that it would work the next time the same way it did the last or the same way that we observed that it worked for others.
As adults, we tend to overthink things. When it comes to faith in a Higher Power, we may balk and try to hide behind the lack of a scientific law or other proof. In recovery, we sometimes need to take a step back to take two forward. We need to step back into our childlike acceptance of the way the world works -- the world governed by the will of a Higher Power.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 54
We have never personally proven many of the physical laws that we take for granted each and every day. And yet, we hold them up as justification for our actions. As small children, before we even knew that there were the laws of science to support the way the world worked, we simply had faith that it would work the next time the same way it did the last or the same way that we observed that it worked for others.
As adults, we tend to overthink things. When it comes to faith in a Higher Power, we may balk and try to hide behind the lack of a scientific law or other proof. In recovery, we sometimes need to take a step back to take two forward. We need to step back into our childlike acceptance of the way the world works -- the world governed by the will of a Higher Power.
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Monday, August 21, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: It's Logical
"Logic is great stuff. We liked it. We still like it."
"...we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't."
"Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 53
I can remember when I was younger and contemplating life, I applied my best logic to understand from where 'it' all came. Either because of or in spite of the fact that I could not prove any hypothesis by this method, I concluded that "God is."
However, I understand that some, perhaps many, have difficulty accepting something that cannot be scientifically proven. And yet, these same people place faith in laws that are based solely on observation. So, it is not an issue of having faith, but merely in what our faith is placed.
Digging deeper, I found that it was really a perceived need for control. Control over my environment, my behavior, my attitudes, my drinking, etc. Ultimately, it came down to the question of how well living by self-control was working (and it wasn't). I had to turn the control over to a Power greater than myself. It was the only logical thing to do!
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"...we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't."
"Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 53
I can remember when I was younger and contemplating life, I applied my best logic to understand from where 'it' all came. Either because of or in spite of the fact that I could not prove any hypothesis by this method, I concluded that "God is."
However, I understand that some, perhaps many, have difficulty accepting something that cannot be scientifically proven. And yet, these same people place faith in laws that are based solely on observation. So, it is not an issue of having faith, but merely in what our faith is placed.
Digging deeper, I found that it was really a perceived need for control. Control over my environment, my behavior, my attitudes, my drinking, etc. Ultimately, it came down to the question of how well living by self-control was working (and it wasn't). I had to turn the control over to a Power greater than myself. It was the only logical thing to do!
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Sunday, August 20, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: The Bedevilments
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people..."
"Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 52
The humiliating result of my best efforts is summarized by "the bedevilments," as quoted above.
Compare this to my life today made possible by pursuing God's will -- summarized by "the promises," pages 83-84:
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the work serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Let go and let God.
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"Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 52
The humiliating result of my best efforts is summarized by "the bedevilments," as quoted above.
Compare this to my life today made possible by pursuing God's will -- summarized by "the promises," pages 83-84:
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the work serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Let go and let God.
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Saturday, August 19, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Believe that Others Believe
"When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 51
This entire chapter is dedicated to those who come to AA and find a glimmer of hope, but do not pronounce a much faith. To be sure, my faith has grown over time. One does not have to a strong faith to initiate them with AA, but it does help to have an open mind.
You will hear miraculous stories of change and spiritual healing. Although you may not have a relationship with a Higher Power, you should allow yourself to see and believe the transformation and personal growth that others proclaim.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 51
This entire chapter is dedicated to those who come to AA and find a glimmer of hope, but do not pronounce a much faith. To be sure, my faith has grown over time. One does not have to a strong faith to initiate them with AA, but it does help to have an open mind.
You will hear miraculous stories of change and spiritual healing. Although you may not have a relationship with a Higher Power, you should allow yourself to see and believe the transformation and personal growth that others proclaim.
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Friday, August 18, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Look at the Record
"We looked at the human defects of these people, and sometimes used their shortcomings as a basis of wholesale condemnation. We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 50
I can remember rationalizing my immoral behavior and general slide in that direction by looking at others who claimed to be spiritual or God loving and finding fault in their actions. I'd look for hypocrisy, even when there really wasn't any. I would think thoughts such as, "Well so-and-so is a church goer and I saw him drinking last weekend or that person is such a Sunday-only Christian -- come Monday morning he's a real SOB."
By looking at the chinks in their armor, I didn't have to look at myself and when I did it was easier to tell myself that that I was better than they because I didn't pretend to be something I wasn't. I told people, "What you see is what you get." Of course, that couldn't have been further from the truth. In true alcoholic form, I was very much the actor leading a double life.
I used a lot of excuses to turn my back and distance myself from my Higher Power. However, the real point is that when I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to turn, I did an about face and looked to God for help. That change in attitude was the beginning of a new way of living and thinking. Miraculously, in the face of complete failure, I found peace and the courage to take the next step which has led to my recovery and current happiness. If you're at a point of despair, you can find the same hope as I did and millions of others have. It all begins with asking your Higher Power for help.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 50
I can remember rationalizing my immoral behavior and general slide in that direction by looking at others who claimed to be spiritual or God loving and finding fault in their actions. I'd look for hypocrisy, even when there really wasn't any. I would think thoughts such as, "Well so-and-so is a church goer and I saw him drinking last weekend or that person is such a Sunday-only Christian -- come Monday morning he's a real SOB."
By looking at the chinks in their armor, I didn't have to look at myself and when I did it was easier to tell myself that that I was better than they because I didn't pretend to be something I wasn't. I told people, "What you see is what you get." Of course, that couldn't have been further from the truth. In true alcoholic form, I was very much the actor leading a double life.
I used a lot of excuses to turn my back and distance myself from my Higher Power. However, the real point is that when I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to turn, I did an about face and looked to God for help. That change in attitude was the beginning of a new way of living and thinking. Miraculously, in the face of complete failure, I found peace and the courage to take the next step which has led to my recovery and current happiness. If you're at a point of despair, you can find the same hope as I did and millions of others have. It all begins with asking your Higher Power for help.
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Thursday, August 17, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Logical Faith
"People of faith have a logical idea of what life is all about."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 49
When I was drinking, I would often have philosophical and existential debates in my head. Partly it was an escape from the harsh reality of the way I was choosing to live my life and partly it was simple immature thinking. I didn't have a clue about anything and yet, I thought I had all the answers.
One of the greatest gifts of my sobriety has been a closer relationship with God that continues to grow. I had spiritual beliefs prior to AA, but now I have begun to have a spiritual experience.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 49
When I was drinking, I would often have philosophical and existential debates in my head. Partly it was an escape from the harsh reality of the way I was choosing to live my life and partly it was simple immature thinking. I didn't have a clue about anything and yet, I thought I had all the answers.
One of the greatest gifts of my sobriety has been a closer relationship with God that continues to grow. I had spiritual beliefs prior to AA, but now I have begun to have a spiritual experience.
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: A State of Reasonableness
"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other matters. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 48
Pain is a great motivator. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I met some people who had found a way off the merry-go-round and they were happy. I wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever it took -- even if it was uncomfortable. I knew something had to change and I finally became willing to accept that it was me that needed to change.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 48
Pain is a great motivator. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I met some people who had found a way off the merry-go-round and they were happy. I wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever it took -- even if it was uncomfortable. I knew something had to change and I finally became willing to accept that it was me that needed to change.
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Omnipotent Power
"We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself? As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 47
For me, the problem wasn't in believing that there was a Power greater than myself. I fully conceded that there was a God that created the heavens and the earth. And I believed that God has a master plan for his creation. I just didn't believe that I was part of that plan.
On the surface, I wanted you to think of me as being humble (not worthy of God's attention), but it was really the opposite. How much more arrogant could I be than to believe that I could call the shots and somehow have an existence so unique as to be apart from the rest of God's plan? So, although I wasn't agnostic in the strictest definition of the term, my arrogance was a denial of God's true power and a barrior to establishing any kind of faith-based relationship with Him.
I had to come to accept that there is a Power greater than myself as it pertains to me and my life, not just others and events external to me. It may not be an issue for some, but for me, it was vitally important.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 47
For me, the problem wasn't in believing that there was a Power greater than myself. I fully conceded that there was a God that created the heavens and the earth. And I believed that God has a master plan for his creation. I just didn't believe that I was part of that plan.
On the surface, I wanted you to think of me as being humble (not worthy of God's attention), but it was really the opposite. How much more arrogant could I be than to believe that I could call the shots and somehow have an existence so unique as to be apart from the rest of God's plan? So, although I wasn't agnostic in the strictest definition of the term, my arrogance was a denial of God's true power and a barrior to establishing any kind of faith-based relationship with Him.
I had to come to accept that there is a Power greater than myself as it pertains to me and my life, not just others and events external to me. It may not be an issue for some, but for me, it was vitally important.
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Monday, August 14, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: My own conception
"Much to our relief, we discovered that we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 46
So how do those who struggle with the concept of a Higher Power make progress in AA? Unlike religion, Alcoholics Anonymous does not ask anyone to buy into a prescribed organizational definition or understanding of a Higher Power (Creative Intelligence, Spirit of the Universe, Mother Nature, God). That is left up to the individual.
Although we may not have had any understanding of what it was, many of us could recall the feeling of awe we got staring up at a star filled sky or snow capped mountains and knowing that something powerful indeed had created us and the universe in which we lived. And that was enough. All we are asked to acknowledge is that, in the universe of possibility, there is something larger, more powerful than ourselves.
AA believes that an individual's relationship with their Higher Power is just that, an individual relationship. The program does suggest, however, that to stay sober, its members develop a stronger relationship and better understanding over time. Spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 46
So how do those who struggle with the concept of a Higher Power make progress in AA? Unlike religion, Alcoholics Anonymous does not ask anyone to buy into a prescribed organizational definition or understanding of a Higher Power (Creative Intelligence, Spirit of the Universe, Mother Nature, God). That is left up to the individual.
Although we may not have had any understanding of what it was, many of us could recall the feeling of awe we got staring up at a star filled sky or snow capped mountains and knowing that something powerful indeed had created us and the universe in which we lived. And that was enough. All we are asked to acknowledge is that, in the universe of possibility, there is something larger, more powerful than ourselves.
AA believes that an individual's relationship with their Higher Power is just that, an individual relationship. The program does suggest, however, that to stay sober, its members develop a stronger relationship and better understanding over time. Spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.
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Sunday, August 13, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Give it a try
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?"
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 45
Probably the single biggest factor that keeps people away from AA is that it is a spiritual program. It is hard enough for most alcoholics to admit that they need help. Most of us have always handled our problems ourselves and saw asking for help as a sign of weakness. But then to suggest that the solution is in some intangible Higher Power is a pill too difficult for many to swallow.
Some people have been turned-off to religion by hypocrisy in their local church. Other's lives have been so painful that they've just lost all hope and faith in a benevolent God. Still others have a need to intellectualize the existence of a Higher Power and can't do so, which leaves them without faith. And some just don't feel good enough about themselves to believe that God would concern Himself with their self-perceived insignificant lives.
The point is that there are all sorts of agnostics and non-believers that have turned to Alcoholics Anonymous (many as a last resort) and have found a solution. For many the higher power they used was simply the people they meet or the program itself. They were able to see (tangible proof) that others had been helped and that gave them hope. There is no requirement that one has a spiritual belief to try AA. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 45
Probably the single biggest factor that keeps people away from AA is that it is a spiritual program. It is hard enough for most alcoholics to admit that they need help. Most of us have always handled our problems ourselves and saw asking for help as a sign of weakness. But then to suggest that the solution is in some intangible Higher Power is a pill too difficult for many to swallow.
Some people have been turned-off to religion by hypocrisy in their local church. Other's lives have been so painful that they've just lost all hope and faith in a benevolent God. Still others have a need to intellectualize the existence of a Higher Power and can't do so, which leaves them without faith. And some just don't feel good enough about themselves to believe that God would concern Himself with their self-perceived insignificant lives.
The point is that there are all sorts of agnostics and non-believers that have turned to Alcoholics Anonymous (many as a last resort) and have found a solution. For many the higher power they used was simply the people they meet or the program itself. They were able to see (tangible proof) that others had been helped and that gave them hope. There is no requirement that one has a spiritual belief to try AA. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.
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Saturday, August 12, 2006
A.A.: We Agnostics: Stay for the Second Act
"After a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spirtual basis of life -- or else."
"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 44
When I first came to AA, it was not to find a "spiritual basis of life." I came because I could not control my drinking and when I drank I couldn't control how much I would drink. I came because the lack of control over my drinking was causing unmanageable problems in my life.
At first it was just comforting to find other people who understood what I was going through. Then, it was enough to listen to them talk about their struggles and the solution they had found in AA. Some time later, I realized that none of these poeple took personal credit for getting their lives back on track. They gave credit to their Higher Power. They were sober and they were happy. Neither of which had I been in years. I wanted to live life like they were.
What I found was that when I took the drink away, I still had some pretty big issues and bad habits. Because I had always dealt with my problems by drinking, I didn't know how to deal with those remaining issues. AA has a spiritual toolbox to help me deal with life's problems.
The point is that I may not have been attracted to a "spirtual program." Afterall, I thought I was fully capable of taking care of myself. I was looking for a few expert pointers on how to get a handle on my drinking. I got that and so much more. Today, a simple non-drinking program is not sufficient. I keep coming back to AA for the life lessons and the spiritual connection.
Coming to AA with my drinking problem was absolutely the right move -- it wasn't the cure I had expected -- and I couldn't be happier.
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"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago."
Alcoholics Anonymous
We Agnostics
Page 44
When I first came to AA, it was not to find a "spiritual basis of life." I came because I could not control my drinking and when I drank I couldn't control how much I would drink. I came because the lack of control over my drinking was causing unmanageable problems in my life.
At first it was just comforting to find other people who understood what I was going through. Then, it was enough to listen to them talk about their struggles and the solution they had found in AA. Some time later, I realized that none of these poeple took personal credit for getting their lives back on track. They gave credit to their Higher Power. They were sober and they were happy. Neither of which had I been in years. I wanted to live life like they were.
What I found was that when I took the drink away, I still had some pretty big issues and bad habits. Because I had always dealt with my problems by drinking, I didn't know how to deal with those remaining issues. AA has a spiritual toolbox to help me deal with life's problems.
The point is that I may not have been attracted to a "spirtual program." Afterall, I thought I was fully capable of taking care of myself. I was looking for a few expert pointers on how to get a handle on my drinking. I got that and so much more. Today, a simple non-drinking program is not sufficient. I keep coming back to AA for the life lessons and the spiritual connection.
Coming to AA with my drinking problem was absolutely the right move -- it wasn't the cure I had expected -- and I couldn't be happier.
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Friday, August 11, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Spiritual Solution
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. His defense must come from a Higher Power."
"Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 43
I opened myself to the principles and program of AA in hopes of finding a solution to my drinking problem. I was willing to try a different approach, a spiritual approach, even though I was cautious. I initially just put a toe in the water, afraid that I was getting involved with a bunch of kooks. I found pretty normal people. No one tried to force feed me anything. The only suggestion offered was that I stop relying on myself and try (just try) to look to elsewhere for answers.
At first, I found that I was able to stay sober by just hanging around other people who also used to have drinking problems. It felt good to go to meetings and hear others share how they had struggled and then found relief by working the 12 Steps. For the first time, I knew that there were people who understood me and the difficulties that I was going through. I wasn't alone.
For me, the simple willingness to try was the beginning of a new way of facing all my problems. Faith is like a muscle -- it strengthens with exercise. I don't claim to be perfect -- I really don't want to be. I do, however, enjoy working on myself, making progress, and being of some service to others. But, "First Things First." If you have a drinking problem and don't know what to do about it, post a comment, or call a local AA group (you can find numbers Online @ www.sponsornet.com/resources.html or http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blaa.htm.
All the best...
Bill B.
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"Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 43
I opened myself to the principles and program of AA in hopes of finding a solution to my drinking problem. I was willing to try a different approach, a spiritual approach, even though I was cautious. I initially just put a toe in the water, afraid that I was getting involved with a bunch of kooks. I found pretty normal people. No one tried to force feed me anything. The only suggestion offered was that I stop relying on myself and try (just try) to look to elsewhere for answers.
At first, I found that I was able to stay sober by just hanging around other people who also used to have drinking problems. It felt good to go to meetings and hear others share how they had struggled and then found relief by working the 12 Steps. For the first time, I knew that there were people who understood me and the difficulties that I was going through. I wasn't alone.
For me, the simple willingness to try was the beginning of a new way of facing all my problems. Faith is like a muscle -- it strengthens with exercise. I don't claim to be perfect -- I really don't want to be. I do, however, enjoy working on myself, making progress, and being of some service to others. But, "First Things First." If you have a drinking problem and don't know what to do about it, post a comment, or call a local AA group (you can find numbers Online @ www.sponsornet.com/resources.html or http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blaa.htm.
All the best...
Bill B.
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Thursday, August 10, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Will Power No More
"I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 42
Will power and self-knowledge these things have to be smashed. Admitting defeat was hard. I had always been able to work through my problems by myself. Maybe I'd ask for advice from time-to-time, but if it was to be, it was up to me. I was taught that I could do anything if I only put my mind to it. And so I tired with my drinking problem. But, I failed.
And as hard as it was to admit defeat, that was nothing compared to asking for help. There's a lyrick from a popular song of the 60's (Sinatra or Streisand, I'm not certain) to goes, "People who need people are the luckiest poeple in the world." I always thought that song was a crock! How could being needy make you lucky?
I learned how humbling and healing it is to ask for help.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 42
Will power and self-knowledge these things have to be smashed. Admitting defeat was hard. I had always been able to work through my problems by myself. Maybe I'd ask for advice from time-to-time, but if it was to be, it was up to me. I was taught that I could do anything if I only put my mind to it. And so I tired with my drinking problem. But, I failed.
And as hard as it was to admit defeat, that was nothing compared to asking for help. There's a lyrick from a popular song of the 60's (Sinatra or Streisand, I'm not certain) to goes, "People who need people are the luckiest poeple in the world." I always thought that song was a crock! How could being needy make you lucky?
I learned how humbling and healing it is to ask for help.
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Wednesday, August 09, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: A Perfect Day
"It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon."
"... the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail."
"... it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty next morning."
"Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 41
This story sends a chill down my spine. It reminds me all too well of those times when I had been "on the wagon" and everything was going well. As with the fellow in the story, I knew I couldn't drink "successfully" and I had quit for a while on my own. Then I'd have a memory or grandiose thought of some reckless and carefree event where drinking made everything perfect.
Of course I knew better, but this mental image was so vivid that I never consulted my honest recall or rational thinking. I just blindly followed the seduction of immediate gratification and pleasure conjured up by this dream. Once I took the first drink, it was all over. Just one sip and I couldn't stop. It didn't matter that I had worked so hard to impose my will power and the result was generally positive. I didn't even consider that I had been warned that if I didn't stop I would lose my job or my family or my freedom.
"Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power -- that One is God. May you find Him now!" Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 58-59.
I have witnessed God's grace and mercy at work in my life and I am grateful. Today, because I work the steps, the seductive mental images are less frequent and less powerful. But, they do still occur -- it might be hearing an old song or beer commercial on the radio or passing by an old building or seeing a friend that I hadn't seen in a while or just watching a white puffy cloud move across a blue sky. So, I have to be ready. Staying active in Alcoholics Anonymous keeps me on my toes -- not in a fearful, defensive way, but head on. I can't imagine a better way to live -- as God intended.
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"... the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail."
"... it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty next morning."
"Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 41
This story sends a chill down my spine. It reminds me all too well of those times when I had been "on the wagon" and everything was going well. As with the fellow in the story, I knew I couldn't drink "successfully" and I had quit for a while on my own. Then I'd have a memory or grandiose thought of some reckless and carefree event where drinking made everything perfect.
Of course I knew better, but this mental image was so vivid that I never consulted my honest recall or rational thinking. I just blindly followed the seduction of immediate gratification and pleasure conjured up by this dream. Once I took the first drink, it was all over. Just one sip and I couldn't stop. It didn't matter that I had worked so hard to impose my will power and the result was generally positive. I didn't even consider that I had been warned that if I didn't stop I would lose my job or my family or my freedom.
"Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power -- that One is God. May you find Him now!" Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 58-59.
I have witnessed God's grace and mercy at work in my life and I am grateful. Today, because I work the steps, the seductive mental images are less frequent and less powerful. But, they do still occur -- it might be hearing an old song or beer commercial on the radio or passing by an old building or seeing a friend that I hadn't seen in a while or just watching a white puffy cloud move across a blue sky. So, I have to be ready. Staying active in Alcoholics Anonymous keeps me on my toes -- not in a fearful, defensive way, but head on. I can't imagine a better way to live -- as God intended.
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Tuesday, August 08, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Confidence
"I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again."
"I was confident that it would not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 40
Just because I know how devastating and therefore extremely foolish drinking would be for me, I don't try to fool myself into a false sense of security by believing that I could never drink again because of that knowledge. I must always be on guard.
To keep me from minimizing or romanticizing drinking, if I were ever tempted to drink, I can use the tool of thinking it through to see the certain negative consequences of such an act. However, I know I'll always have another drunk in me -- but, I may not have another recovery in me.
Self-confidence is not necessarily the opposite of humility, but self-confidence, and its cousin "terminal uniqueness," have taken down more alcoholics than any other character traits. My confidence that I could find a way to control my drinking kept me drunk for years. My terminal uniqueness that I wasn't an alcoholic (I'm not that bad, I just have a few personal problems that I'm working through...) kept me from seeking help from the very people who ultimately knew how to help.
Today my confidence is placed with God's will and power, not my will power -- it's just working out a whole lot better that way. Give it a chance, you'll be glad you did.
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"I was confident that it would not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 40
Just because I know how devastating and therefore extremely foolish drinking would be for me, I don't try to fool myself into a false sense of security by believing that I could never drink again because of that knowledge. I must always be on guard.
To keep me from minimizing or romanticizing drinking, if I were ever tempted to drink, I can use the tool of thinking it through to see the certain negative consequences of such an act. However, I know I'll always have another drunk in me -- but, I may not have another recovery in me.
Self-confidence is not necessarily the opposite of humility, but self-confidence, and its cousin "terminal uniqueness," have taken down more alcoholics than any other character traits. My confidence that I could find a way to control my drinking kept me drunk for years. My terminal uniqueness that I wasn't an alcoholic (I'm not that bad, I just have a few personal problems that I'm working through...) kept me from seeking help from the very people who ultimately knew how to help.
Today my confidence is placed with God's will and power, not my will power -- it's just working out a whole lot better that way. Give it a chance, you'll be glad you did.
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Monday, August 07, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Discovery
"... absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge."
"For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so..."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 39
Many of us felt that it was enough to figure it out. If we could just understand our weakness, then we could do something about it -- or so we thought. It never occurred to us that perhaps we could not do so.
After trying every way I could think of to quit drinking, I gave up trying to do it myself and found myself admitted to an alcohol treatment center. At the time, I didn't really think that they would be able to teach me anything about myself that I didn't already know, but I figured it couldn't hurt either (plus it was a way to get my parents off my back for a while).
I really did want a solution for my drinking problem, so I went to treatment looking for a cure. What I found was a lot of great information about my disease, but no cure. I was given tools to deal with the guilt that I'd built up over the years and I was relieved of my shame by learning that I had a recognized disease, not a weak moral character. The cure was left for me to find in the form of a daily reprieve from my chronic illness if I am willing to do the work as outlined in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I wholeheartedly support good 12-Step based inpatient/outpatient alcohol and drug rehabilitation as an excellent foundation for recovery. But, treatment is "discovery" not "recovery." Recovery comes one day at a time as we journey through life and use the tools that we have been given.
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"For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so..."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 39
Many of us felt that it was enough to figure it out. If we could just understand our weakness, then we could do something about it -- or so we thought. It never occurred to us that perhaps we could not do so.
After trying every way I could think of to quit drinking, I gave up trying to do it myself and found myself admitted to an alcohol treatment center. At the time, I didn't really think that they would be able to teach me anything about myself that I didn't already know, but I figured it couldn't hurt either (plus it was a way to get my parents off my back for a while).
I really did want a solution for my drinking problem, so I went to treatment looking for a cure. What I found was a lot of great information about my disease, but no cure. I was given tools to deal with the guilt that I'd built up over the years and I was relieved of my shame by learning that I had a recognized disease, not a weak moral character. The cure was left for me to find in the form of a daily reprieve from my chronic illness if I am willing to do the work as outlined in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I wholeheartedly support good 12-Step based inpatient/outpatient alcohol and drug rehabilitation as an excellent foundation for recovery. But, treatment is "discovery" not "recovery." Recovery comes one day at a time as we journey through life and use the tools that we have been given.
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Insanity
"However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 38
The length I went to protect my drinking was insane. Even though I knew that I shouldn't be drinking, I felt I had to. I didn't want anyone suggesting that I should cut back or to try to stop me. So, toward the end of my drinking, I became a closet drinker -- drinking alone and drinking in secret (and, yes, I even literally drank in the closet). I spent great energy trying to prevent other people from knowing how much I drank. Although I bought liquor nearly every day, I would never buy it from the same store two days in a row.
I often bought it from the grocery store and would buy several other food items that I had no intention of eating along with the booze, just to make it look like I didn't come to buy just the alcohol. When markets' point-of-sale technology advanced and sales receipts printed item descriptions along with their price, I made it a practice to throw the slips away as I exited the store so that there would be no evidence later found in my pants pocket.
All the while, as I was practicing this bizarre behavior, I kept promising myself that I would slow it down. I'd promise myself that after this next promotion or next birthday or next whatever, that I'd stop drinking. I failed every test. Again borrowing from Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
I can totally relate to the tale of the jay-walker described in the Big Book. I was run over by a "trolley" several times and each time promised that I'd never do that again. I'd then agree that it was insane behavior and yet, in no time, I would be right back at it.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 38
The length I went to protect my drinking was insane. Even though I knew that I shouldn't be drinking, I felt I had to. I didn't want anyone suggesting that I should cut back or to try to stop me. So, toward the end of my drinking, I became a closet drinker -- drinking alone and drinking in secret (and, yes, I even literally drank in the closet). I spent great energy trying to prevent other people from knowing how much I drank. Although I bought liquor nearly every day, I would never buy it from the same store two days in a row.
I often bought it from the grocery store and would buy several other food items that I had no intention of eating along with the booze, just to make it look like I didn't come to buy just the alcohol. When markets' point-of-sale technology advanced and sales receipts printed item descriptions along with their price, I made it a practice to throw the slips away as I exited the store so that there would be no evidence later found in my pants pocket.
All the while, as I was practicing this bizarre behavior, I kept promising myself that I would slow it down. I'd promise myself that after this next promotion or next birthday or next whatever, that I'd stop drinking. I failed every test. Again borrowing from Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
I can totally relate to the tale of the jay-walker described in the Big Book. I was run over by a "trolley" several times and each time promised that I'd never do that again. I'd then agree that it was insane behavior and yet, in no time, I would be right back at it.
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Saturday, August 05, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Keep it Fresh
"Whatever that precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity."
"... there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 37
Alcoholism is patient... I've heard it said at meetings that "my 'forgeter' works much better than my 'rememberer'." Alcoholism is constantly trying to erase bad memories associated with drinking from my memory and block the pain from my current thinking. If it's successful, it can then pervert a happy memory into creating nearly any justification for taking a drink. I use the tools of reading the Big Book, going to meetings, talking with other alcoholics (and blogging) as ways to keep my memories fresh.
With a clear head, it is baffling to understand how I could have ever let such a small thing (like a rainy day or a sunny day, feeling good or feeling sad, heavy traffic or open highways, etc., etc.) put my entire life at risk.
And it only takes one drink, the first drink, to set off a powerful compulsion within me to keep drinking.
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"... there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 37
Alcoholism is patient... I've heard it said at meetings that "my 'forgeter' works much better than my 'rememberer'." Alcoholism is constantly trying to erase bad memories associated with drinking from my memory and block the pain from my current thinking. If it's successful, it can then pervert a happy memory into creating nearly any justification for taking a drink. I use the tools of reading the Big Book, going to meetings, talking with other alcoholics (and blogging) as ways to keep my memories fresh.
With a clear head, it is baffling to understand how I could have ever let such a small thing (like a rainy day or a sunny day, feeling good or feeling sad, heavy traffic or open highways, etc., etc.) put my entire life at risk.
And it only takes one drink, the first drink, to set off a powerful compulsion within me to keep drinking.
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Friday, August 04, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Honest Intentions
"On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich."
"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach."
"He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 36
I look at the above story about Jim as being about a person who is in serious denial. The set-up for the story is that Jim is well aware that he is an alcoholic. First he lies to himself by saying that he has no intention to drink. He then convinces himself that a bar is a good place to go get a sandwich. Next he tells himself that "suddenly" he has the idea that whiskey would go well with milk and that it can't "hurt" him on a full stomach.
I believe what's really going on here is that Jim has deluded himself into believing that "self-knowledge" alone will keep him from drinking too much. The argument goes something like, "Now that I know I'm an alcoholic and that I can't handle my liquor, I need to be extra careful to not drink too much." Hoooey!
I don't believe that Jim had "no intention to drink." He didn't just "suddenly" have this tempting thought. I think he had been planning to drink for several months and had even picked this out of the way "restaurant with a bar" as the place where he was going to put his plan in motion. It was so easy to rationalize such blatantly lame thinking like, "whiskey in milk won't hurt," because he had already made the decision, but he needed something to assuage his conscience.
Jim had self-knowledge, but had not totally accepted that he was an alcoholic. Acceptance (at the gut level) is critical. After that, it's simply a matter applying a few easy concepts, like "stay out of bars!"
Today, my sobriety is too important to try to challenge, test or tempt it. People, places and things from the past can be triggers for relapse. I believe that it is my responsibility to know what those are and to avoid them. Self-knowledge is good, but only as a step to self-acceptance.
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"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach."
"He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!"
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 36
I look at the above story about Jim as being about a person who is in serious denial. The set-up for the story is that Jim is well aware that he is an alcoholic. First he lies to himself by saying that he has no intention to drink. He then convinces himself that a bar is a good place to go get a sandwich. Next he tells himself that "suddenly" he has the idea that whiskey would go well with milk and that it can't "hurt" him on a full stomach.
I believe what's really going on here is that Jim has deluded himself into believing that "self-knowledge" alone will keep him from drinking too much. The argument goes something like, "Now that I know I'm an alcoholic and that I can't handle my liquor, I need to be extra careful to not drink too much." Hoooey!
I don't believe that Jim had "no intention to drink." He didn't just "suddenly" have this tempting thought. I think he had been planning to drink for several months and had even picked this out of the way "restaurant with a bar" as the place where he was going to put his plan in motion. It was so easy to rationalize such blatantly lame thinking like, "whiskey in milk won't hurt," because he had already made the decision, but he needed something to assuage his conscience.
Jim had self-knowledge, but had not totally accepted that he was an alcoholic. Acceptance (at the gut level) is critical. After that, it's simply a matter applying a few easy concepts, like "stay out of bars!"
Today, my sobriety is too important to try to challenge, test or tempt it. People, places and things from the past can be triggers for relapse. I believe that it is my responsibility to know what those are and to avoid them. Self-knowledge is good, but only as a step to self-acceptance.
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Thursday, August 03, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: The First Drink
"... obviously this is the crux of the problem."
"... the desperate experiment of the first drink."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 35
One drink is too many, but twenty is not enough.
To expand upon this Big Book quote, I offer an excerpt from other AA literature, Living Sober.
"Many of us, when we first began to drink, never wanted or took more than one or two drinks. But as time went on, we increased the number. Then, in later years, we found ourselves drinking more and more, some of us getting and staying very drunk. Maybe our condition didn't always show in our speech or our gait, but by this time we were never actually sober.
If that bothered us too much, we would cut down, or try to limit ourselves to one or two, or switch from hard liquor to beer or wine. At least, we tried to limit the amount, so we would not get too disastrously tight. Or we tried to hide how much we drank.
But all these measures got more and more difficult. Occasionally, we even went on the wagon, and did not drink at all for a while.
Eventually, we would go back to drinking -- just one drink. And since that apparently did no serious damage, we felt it was safe to have another. Maybe that was all we took on that occasion, and it was a great relief to find we could take just one or two, then stop. Some of us did that many times.
But the experience proved to be a snare. It persuaded us that we could drink safely. And then there would come the occasion (some special celebration, a personal loss, or no particular event at all) when two or three made us feel fine, so we thought one or two more could not hurt. And with absolutely no intention of doing so, we found ourselves again drinking too much. We were right back where we had been -- overdrinking without really wanting to.
Such repeated experiences have forced us to this logically inescapable conclusion: If we do not take the first drink, we never get drunk. Therefore, instead of planning never to get drunk, or trying to limit the number of drinks or the amount of alcohol, we have learned to concentrate on avoiding only one drink; the first one."
Living Sober
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Pages 4-5
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"... the desperate experiment of the first drink."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 35
One drink is too many, but twenty is not enough.
To expand upon this Big Book quote, I offer an excerpt from other AA literature, Living Sober.
"Many of us, when we first began to drink, never wanted or took more than one or two drinks. But as time went on, we increased the number. Then, in later years, we found ourselves drinking more and more, some of us getting and staying very drunk. Maybe our condition didn't always show in our speech or our gait, but by this time we were never actually sober.
If that bothered us too much, we would cut down, or try to limit ourselves to one or two, or switch from hard liquor to beer or wine. At least, we tried to limit the amount, so we would not get too disastrously tight. Or we tried to hide how much we drank.
But all these measures got more and more difficult. Occasionally, we even went on the wagon, and did not drink at all for a while.
Eventually, we would go back to drinking -- just one drink. And since that apparently did no serious damage, we felt it was safe to have another. Maybe that was all we took on that occasion, and it was a great relief to find we could take just one or two, then stop. Some of us did that many times.
But the experience proved to be a snare. It persuaded us that we could drink safely. And then there would come the occasion (some special celebration, a personal loss, or no particular event at all) when two or three made us feel fine, so we thought one or two more could not hurt. And with absolutely no intention of doing so, we found ourselves again drinking too much. We were right back where we had been -- overdrinking without really wanting to.
Such repeated experiences have forced us to this logically inescapable conclusion: If we do not take the first drink, we never get drunk. Therefore, instead of planning never to get drunk, or trying to limit the number of drinks or the amount of alcohol, we have learned to concentrate on avoiding only one drink; the first one."
Living Sober
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Pages 4-5
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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Surrender to Win
"Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it -- this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 34
The problem with just wanting to quit, even with great motivation to do so -- doctor's warning, threat of divorce, parole condition, fear of the loss of children, threat of job termination, etc.) -- is that it's still all about me. "I want to quit because I don't want the bad stuff." "I can keep these things from happening to me, if I just quit." "I just need to make up my mind, once and for all, to quit." "I can do this if I really try." Sound familiar?
Yes it's true that one has to want to quit... and I really did want to quit. But it wasn't until I accepted that I couldn't do anything about my drinking that I learned how to quit. Nothing I tried worked. I was out of options -- powerless!
I wanted to quit drinking and I knew it was possible to live sober, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do about it. So, I gave up trying to quit and instead followed the advice of a friend who had been through what I was going through and seemed to have found the key. He explained how he had applied the first three steps of Alcohlics Anonymous in his life and he gave me the opportunity to do the same.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Surrender to win!
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Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 34
The problem with just wanting to quit, even with great motivation to do so -- doctor's warning, threat of divorce, parole condition, fear of the loss of children, threat of job termination, etc.) -- is that it's still all about me. "I want to quit because I don't want the bad stuff." "I can keep these things from happening to me, if I just quit." "I just need to make up my mind, once and for all, to quit." "I can do this if I really try." Sound familiar?
Yes it's true that one has to want to quit... and I really did want to quit. But it wasn't until I accepted that I couldn't do anything about my drinking that I learned how to quit. Nothing I tried worked. I was out of options -- powerless!
I wanted to quit drinking and I knew it was possible to live sober, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do about it. So, I gave up trying to quit and instead followed the advice of a friend who had been through what I was going through and seemed to have found the key. He explained how he had applied the first three steps of Alcohlics Anonymous in his life and he gave me the opportunity to do the same.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Surrender to win!
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
A.A.: More About Alcoholism: Look For the Similarities
"To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women."
Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 33
My personal experience with the progression of the disease ended with feeding serious bodily cravings with large quantities of alcohol over long periods of time and suffering harsh physical withdrawal if I went without. However, from meeting several hundred other alcoholics of all varieties through Alcoholics Anonymous, I have observed in others, that drank much smaller quantities and much less frequently, the same feelings of desperation and hopelessness that I felt toward the end of my binge episodes.
To be sure, the physical cravings and withdrawal are painful, but there is also much pain between our ears. The psychological aspect of addiction, which brings dread and hopelessness, begins to manifest early in the alcoholic progression.
I'd like to think that it's because of the positive word of hope being spread by alcohlics carrying the message that has resulted in a greater number of "low bottom" drunks seeking help. But the reason doesn't really matter. What's important is that we recognize that AA can help all who want help if they have the capacity to be honest. If I am honest, I admit that I could have gone much lower than the pain it took me to accept help, but I'm grateful that I didn't. Why would I then be skeptical of others who also did not have to hit "rock" bottom?
Look for the similarities -- not the differences.
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Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 33
My personal experience with the progression of the disease ended with feeding serious bodily cravings with large quantities of alcohol over long periods of time and suffering harsh physical withdrawal if I went without. However, from meeting several hundred other alcoholics of all varieties through Alcoholics Anonymous, I have observed in others, that drank much smaller quantities and much less frequently, the same feelings of desperation and hopelessness that I felt toward the end of my binge episodes.
To be sure, the physical cravings and withdrawal are painful, but there is also much pain between our ears. The psychological aspect of addiction, which brings dread and hopelessness, begins to manifest early in the alcoholic progression.
I'd like to think that it's because of the positive word of hope being spread by alcohlics carrying the message that has resulted in a greater number of "low bottom" drunks seeking help. But the reason doesn't really matter. What's important is that we recognize that AA can help all who want help if they have the capacity to be honest. If I am honest, I admit that I could have gone much lower than the pain it took me to accept help, but I'm grateful that I didn't. Why would I then be skeptical of others who also did not have to hit "rock" bottom?
Look for the similarities -- not the differences.
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