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"Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has -- that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men."

Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 32

By the time I was in college, I was a full blown alcoholic. I was a functioning drunk, able to go to class, get decent grades, maintain relationships and the such, but I was hooked. Of course, the signs were more obvious to those around me than to myself. I kept looking for the comparisons that "proved" I was still in control. One such "test" came in the form of a bet.

My fraternity brothers (who were genuinely concerned for my health and wellbeing) challenged me that I could not go one whole month without a drink. I took the bet and for 30 days laid-off alcohol, "proving" that I didn't have a drinking problem and was in total control. (A few interesting insights that should have meant more to me at the time, included: a) many of the guys didn't believe that I actually remained abstinent -- they assumed that I was secretly drinking at night or away from others; b) my studies dramatically improved during that month period; and c) I got totally smashed on day 31.)

Fast forward a few years and I was presented with another trick of the mind. After spending my 27th birthday in a treatment center and fully conceding that I was an alcoholic, I got involved in AA and worked the Steps -- I remained sober for three years. My life got better and somewhere in the middle of that third year I was convinced that I no longer needed the program to stay sober. Somewhere toward the end of that third year I convinced myself that I knew how to get sober if I needed to, but that my abstinence "proved" that I wasn't really an alcohlic -- I previously just had a lot of problems which caused me to drink.

I got totally smashed to celebrate my "freedom" -- and stayed smashed on and off for nearly ten more years. By God's grace, I humbly found my way back to AA and no longer want to "test" my sobriety or control over alcohol. Neither 30 days nor 3 years is proof of anything -- once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again.

How many sober heartbeats do you have? click here



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"By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic."

"Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums..."

Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 31

Alcoholics become almost as addicted to the act of drinking as they are to the drink itself. I used to spend nearly the entire day either drinking or thinking about drinking or thinking about the consequences of drinking.

My efforts to control my drinking included: drinking beer only (didn't last long because beer lost its taste for me and made me too bloated -- 12-18 at a time will do that); buying smaller quantities -- only a six-pack or pint (was risky because it meant that I'd be out later driving with a buzz for the second "run"); drinking only on the weekends (my weekends then began on Wednesdays); eating food when I drank (I really began to put on the pounds); not drinking around other people (I stayed up late and drank by myself); moving (geographical cure to get a "fresh start" -- my problems followed me); getting a new job (the new boss was just as big a s.o.b. as the last); and quitting for a month to prove I wasn't an alcoholic (one of the worst ideas I ever came up with... even though, in the first week of the following month, I more than made up for what I didn't drink, I only saw that I could quit if I wanted to -- what a delusion).

I am grateful that my days today are not consumed with the constant thought of drinking. I have found a bit of serenity and lead a much more productive life without alcohol.



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"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing."

Alcoholics Anonymous
More About Alcoholism
Page 30

Wow! This hit me like a 2x4 in the face. As I read the Big Book, I was convicted right there in print. Of course I didn't want to be different than other people -- I wanted to be social and fit in. It only made sense that I wouldn't want to admit to being an alcoholic, that was different. But that was only part of the story. I didn't want to be an alcoholic.

I wanted to be an exceptional social drinker. I romanticized drinking -- it was part of my persona. I was not an alcoholic -- I was James Bond (shaken, not stirred) and Dirty Harry (with a flask under my car seat). I was both Hugh Hefner and the big man on campus who won all the "chug-a-lug's.

What should have been obvious never occured to me. I was pursuing an illusion. Not only was my goal a mirage, but I could never run fast enough to reach it, even if it were real. I wish I could say that I just woke up one day and saw the lie that I was living, but the reality is that it wasn't until the pain became unbearable that I took any action.



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"Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, "Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 29

Rigorous honesty -- it was a new concept to me. I had spent so many years twisting the truth to cover-up my drinking that I began to lie about practically everything. I was about as far away from "fully disclosing " myself as you could get. I didn't want any one to see the real me. Through A.A., I learned that to free myself, I needed to let others in. I was not judged only accepted. And after a while, I even learned to forgive myself.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

And so it is with this blog. I invite your comments and stories. Pass it on.



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"... 'a design for living' that really works."

"We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired."

"Those having religious affiliations will find here nothing disturbing to their beliefs or ceremonies."

"We think it no concern of ours what religious bodies our members identify themselves with as individuals."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 28

Alcoholics Anonymous is simply not a religious program. It is, however, a faith-based program. But, it does not tell (or require) anyone to find or practice faith in any particular manner. It merely asks us to be open to the idea that the solution to our drinking problems rests with a Power greater than ourselves.

After years of failed attempts of trying to cut back or control my drinking and the desparation of living that way, it was only through being open to the idea that, if there was a solution, it might not be through my own efforts -- it might be something better or different than my own abilities. That simple notion was the spark of faith that ignited my recovery.

Once I became willing to look outside myself for answers, I found plenty of people who were not only ready to help, but they seemed to know how to. These people were just like me, but they didn't drink any more. They understood my fears and what I was going through. They did not judge or even pry. They accepted me for me and offered an alternative approach -- a design for living that has made all the difference.

You don't have to believe in God or a Higher Power, it's a start to just believe that I do.



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"Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 27

I must admit that when I first read these words, I didn't really get it. I believed in God, but spiritual help, a spiritual experience - how was I to get those? I was like the man in the Big Book story who was so hopeless that his doctor told him he should put himself under house arrest to guard against his drinking, or die, unless he had a "necessary vital spiritual experience." He was encouraged because he regularly attended church and thought that was his ticket. However, his thinking was shot down when his doctor informed him that simply going to church wasn't going to cut it. So what was he to do?

Because this story, which was meant to be an example of one man's experience, was interpreted by many alcohlics to mean that they too were required to have a "burning bush" spirtual experience in order to achieve sobriety, the authors of Alcoholics Anonymous later added "Appendix II - Spiritual Experience" to clarify their intended meaning.

My experience has been more like what is referred to in the appendix as an "educational variety," which has developed slowly over time. I can relate to the A.A. claim that, "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

For me, a growing awareness of God's presence is the essence of my spiritual experience. But it has been only in hindsight that I have been able to see this change. It really comes down to an attitude of willingness and open mindedness. I was incapable of making a dramatic transformation when I first came to A.A., but because I was open to new ideas and willing to try new ways, I can now look back and see the growth that has occurred.

"We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable."

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation." --HERBERT SPENCER

Alcoholics Anonymous
Appendix II
Page 540



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"... accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 26

For many, including me at the time, turning to God for a solution was not an intuitive response -- maybe it wasn't meant to be. My instincts told me to solve my problem with intelligence and perseverance -- put my mind to it and stick with it. But that wasn't working. So, it was only out of desparation with a deliberate and voluntary act of humility that I turned to God and asked for help. Although I honestly wanted His help, I wasn't expecting any miracles. In fact, I wasn't expecting much, but figured that it couldn't hurt. And yet, a miracle is what I got.

God has done for me what I could not do for myself. I have felt His presence and He has removed from me the compulsion to drink. That was been the beginning of a whole new relationship for me. I don't have a hotline to God, but I am inclined to ask for direction and listen for His wisdom and act accordingly. It's a journey that rewards progress.



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"There is a solution."

"... we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 25

Alcoholism is an illness for which there is a spiritual cure. Here's H.O.W. it works:

Honesty -
After years of suffering the consequences of my drinking and a thousand failed attempts at slowing down or quitting, I finally got honest with myself. I was different from other people -- I could not control my drinking.

Openmindedness -
Accepting that I had a problem allowed me to find others who admitted to the same problem. It was a relief to my fear of uncertainty and not knowing what was to become of me. Seeing that they had found a solution gave me hope. I was curious to know what these people had found. I knew that nothing I tried had worked and was open new ideas.

Willingness -
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Although I didn't know if their way would work for me, I could see that it worked for them and I was willing to try.

Begining honest with myself plus the willingness to be open to a new idea and give it a try was all that was required. I was on my way to a new life.



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"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

Alcoholics Anonymous

There is a Solution
Page 24

I know that if I didn't have personal first-hand experience with this loss of control, I might be a bit skeptical about such claims as, "... will power becomes practically nonexistent" and "We are without defense...". On the surface, it might sound like the alcoholic is looking to dodge personal responsibility for their actions and find a scapegoat.

The reality is just the opposite -- acceptance and responsibility are key. It wasn't until I ended the debate about will power and self-control and accepted that my drinking was something that I could not handle that I began to recover. Indeed, the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous is admitting that I am powerless over alcohol. That surrender doesn't mean, however, that I am not responsibile for my actions. It means that I have accepted the problem on the problem's terms (rather than trying to impose my own will) and can now claim full personal responsibility for my recovery.

There are those who argue that drinking is a choice -- not a disease. They will concede that some people abuse alcohol as a means to cope with life's difficulties. They further assert that if problem drinkers are taught more socially acceptable coping methods, they can continue to drink as normal. This has not been my experience.

Here's what the experts have to say: (to learn more click here)

Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, is a disease that includes the following four symptoms:

* Craving - A strong need, or urge, to drink.

* Loss of control - Not being able to stop drinking once drinking has begun.

* Physical dependence - Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety after stopping drinking.

* Tolerance - The need to drink greater amounts of alcohol to get "high."

For clinical and research purposes, formal diagnostic criteria for alcoholism also have been developed. Such criteria are included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, published by the American Psychiatric Association, as well as in the International Classification Diseases, published by the World Health Organization.



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"... the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind... If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates."

"Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 23

The insanity of alcoholism is that despite the mounds of evidence to the contrary, every time an alcoholic picks up a drink, he or she is certain that this time will be different. The alcoholic part of the mind blocks the drinkers memory of all the pain and misery of the past. The mind behaves as if the drinker has never experienced a negative consequence as a result of drinking.

It's a logical question to ask, "If you know it's bad for you, why do you keep doing it?" But what needs to be understood is that when you're asking a logical question, you're speaking to a person's 'logical mind.' The 'alcoholic mind' will usually not answer or even acknowledge that it exists. If it does, it will lie.

For me, when my alcoholism wanted to drink, logic and the basis for the question went out the window. My alcoholic mind would not allow my logical mind to consider that drinking was bad for me. My alcoholic mind would not allow my memory to reveal to my body any of the negative consequences that drinking had previously caused. With no warning signals being received, my body willingly went along and took a drink.

About the time the liquor hit the back of my throat, my alcoholic mind would laugh and my logical mind would scream at my body, "What have you done?" Then my alcoholic mind would rationalize with my logical mind by saying, "He's already taken a drink, we might as well enjoy it. Don't worry, this will be the last time." Pretty soon the alcohol would daze my logical mind, my inhibitions would take a nap, my alcoholic mind would have a party, and my body would pay the price.

I am grateful that today, by turning my alcoholism over to God and working the Steps of A.A., I can remember the consequences of my drinking. It's one of the tools that I use to stay sober.

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"... once he takes any alcohol whatsoever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 22

On the page from which the above quote was taken, the author poses the questions that so many wonder of the alcoholic. Why does he behave that way? She knows what happens when she drinks, why does she continue to do it? Why can't she stay sober? He's a smart ambitious kid, why can't he apply himself to his drinking problem?

I spent a lot of time trying to answer those questions for myself rather than focusing on what is more important. Rather than ask "Why can't I drink like other people?" the first question we must ask is "Am I an alcoholic?" If the answer to that question is "yes," then the next question is not "Why me?" but instead, it's "What can I do about it?" In other words, acceptance is the key. The answer to "Why?" is "I just am."

It wasn't until I accepted that I was an alcoholic that I even began looking for a solution. Studying its definition, debating its existence, and questioning its effects were all stall and denial tactics that kept me from getting sober.

If you think you have a problem, but don't know if you're an alcoholic, click here and take this simple test. Be honest -- if you are an alcoholic this will be difficult, but try your best! ;-)

Let me know how you make out. I'll tell you what works for me.



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"But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 21

I began drinking when I was about thirteen and I can still remember the excitement and euphoria that drinking provided. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but for me the feeling was incredible -- like nothing I had ever experienced. After a while, although the memory of the effect was still vivid, the feeling I got when I drank had changed -- still good, but different. The progressive nature of the disease made it all the more baffling. I had to drink more and more to get to that "perfect buzz" and the feeling never lasted as long as it did when I first started drinking.

I spent a lot of energy, time, and money chasing the perfect buzz -- it's an elusive thing! One day I realized that it had become the number one priority in my life and I didn't remember ever making that decision. I remembered choosing my first car. I remembered selecting a field of study and which college to attend. I remembered choosing my wife and a house for us to live. I remembered deciding to have children. But, I didn't remember opting to put all those things aside in favor of alcohol -- it just happened.

Alcoholism tells me that it's not such a big deal. It tells me that I can drink like I used to -- like a normal drinker. Alcoholism tells me that everything else important can wait. It tells me that I can find the perfect buzz. Alcoholism is a liar!



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"How many times have people said to us: 'I can take it or leave it alone. Why can't he?' 'Why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit?' 'That fellow can't handle his liquor.' 'Why don't you try beer and wine?' 'Lay off the hard stuff.' 'His will power must be weak.' 'He could stop if he wanted to.' 'She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd quit for her sake.' 'The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.'

Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions [to alcohol] are very different from ours."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 20

I have never met an alcohlic in recovery that claimed he or she was successful at controlling their drinking like a normal drinker. The very definition of alcoholism (http://www.sponsornet.com/faq1.html) includes craving and lack of control.

Alcoholism is a disease that includes the following four symptoms:

* Craving -- A strong need, or urge, to drink.
* Loss of control -- Not being able to stop drinking once drinking has begun.
* Physical dependence -- Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety after stopping drinking.
* Tolerance -- The need to drink greater amounts of alcohol to get "high."

Nonetheless, misconceptions persist to this day -- decades after formal research was initiated.

While the research for its cause and cure continues, Alcoholics Anonymous remains as the most successful and widely available recovery program for those suffering from alcoholism. It's simple, it's accessible, and it works.



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"We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs."

"There will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 19

After I had just a few months sobriety, I began to realize that my drinking problem was more than about getting drunk too often. I had been drinking heavily since I was an early teen. Binge drinking mostly at first and then escalating from there. The point is that I had begun to use alcohol as a coping agent during an important developmental phase of my life. When I should have been maturing from childhood to adulthood and learning how to deal with new feelings and emotions, I anesthetized and buried them with alcohol.

In hindsight it's clear to see that my emotional development was stunted or warped by my drinking. In some ways, my ability cope with life's issues remained immature. Alcoholics Anonymous recognizes the fact that our problems are greater than just drinking. Alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit. As social beings, drinking (and our behavior) also impacts the communities we live in -- home, school, work, church, etc.

So, while my own self-centeredness was at the core of my problems (and remains so today) and drinking was a symptom, there were other effects that needed to be addressed. A.A. offered a practical program, through working its 12-Steps, to face every area of my life. By practicing the program in my life, I have been able to peel away the complex layers and adopt new beliefs and behaviors.



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"Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve. Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.

But the ex-probelm drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
Page 18

I used to be ashamed that I could not maintain control over my drinking. I believed that if I just tried hard enough, I could keep from allowing my drinking to keep getting me into tough situations. And why not -- my intelligence and hard work had served me well in other areas.

But, regardless of how hard I tried, I just couldn't get a handle on my drinking. Instead, it had the opposite result -- my drinking got worse and my problems grew bigger. As I progressed in the disease, I began to isolate from people (especially those that cared about me). I couldn't bear to let them see me and I could bear the looks of reproach, disgust, and pity. So, I was all alone with those same old tapes playing over and over in my mind -- try harder, get control of yourself, you can do better. I had lost self-confidence in most areas of my life. I began to convince myself that maybe I wasn't the person I thought I was. Maybe I was not as good and most people. I was in turmoil.

Relief for me came when a friend took me aside and shared in confidence that he once had a drinking problem. He told me about all the stupid things he did as a result of liquor. And then he told me about how he got better and what his life was like now. I listened and I cried. He could have been talking about my life.

And then the most amazing thing happened -- I began telling him all the secrets that I had bottled up for years. I knew I could trust him and I knew he wouldn't judge me. I told him how I had tried to stop drinking a thousand times, but each time something would happen and I'd be off to the races again. And when I had bared my soul, I felt better than I had in years. I was exhausted, but I craved to know more.



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"We of Alcoholics Anonymous... are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful."

"The tremendous fact for everyone of us is that we have discovered a common solution."

"This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism."

Alcoholics Anonymous
There is a Solution
page 17

One of my most favorite paragraphs in the Big Book is also the shortest -- "It works -- it really does." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 88)

I don't know how or why, but one of the miraculous ways in which the program works is through the fellowship and sharing of hopes and fears with like-minded people. The friendliness and genuine warmth of people toward me is one of the things that keeps me coming back.

Ironically, the comfortable feeling I get at A.A. meetings causes me to think of the lyrics to "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" (the Cheers theme song) by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo.

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

You wanna go where people know, people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.

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"There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 16

There's an A.A. classic called, Rule #62 -- "Don't take yourself so damn seriously" (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 149). As I look over the last couple weeks' blog posts, I'm convicted by that rule.

So, I think it is most appropriate to wrap-up the postings about "Bill's Story" from Alcoholics Anonymous with the reminder that he left us that we should laugh and have fun. If I hadn't seen the easy laughter and freedom from worry in the faces of the people I met when I first came to the program, I'm sure I wouldn't have come back. They wouldn't have had anything I wanted.

Although alcoholism is a deadly disease that cannot be taken lightly, recovery is not all doom and gloom. We all have known more than our fair share of misery. In recovery we are taught to live life to its fullest -- happy, joyous, and free!

I have learned that I am not doomed by the mistakes of my past and I am free to choose to not repeat them. I can get off that merry-go-round and really enjoy life. Ironically, when I was drinking I was afraid that if I ever decided to quit that my life would be miserable, no fun at all. How it could have been any more miserable than it aleady was, I don't know. But, the reality is that recovery is a great way to live -- I recommend it to anyone!



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"I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 15

One of the best meetings I ever attended was one that almost didn't happen. A buddy of mine called late one evening and asked if I would go to a meeting with him. I didn't really want to go out because it had been a long week and I was comfortable at home. But, he talked me into it and we decided we would go to a new group that had a late meeting because he had heard good things about it. When we arrived, there was another meeting just ending and no one, except for the two of us, showed up for the later one. We sat around waiting for about fifteen minutes and then began discussing where we should go get a bite to eat. Just about then, a man walked in that was clearly in trouble.

As it turned out, he was about three days sober and had just learned that his son died in an automobile accident earlier that day. He was devastated. He wanted to drink, but it was his son who had convinced him to get help for his drinking. In fact, it was his son who drove him to his first A.A. meeting three days earlier.

I don't remember really saying much -- I mostly listened. He told us about his family and how his drinking had torn them apart. He told us about his work and how there had been problems there. And, of course, he talked about how he had let his son down and wouldn't be able to make amends. The three of us stayed in that meeting room on into the early hours of the morning. My buddy and I took him home around 3:30 a.m. He had survived probably the most horrible day of his life -- without a drink.

That was a few years ago and I still see him around. He now sponsors 3-4 guys (I think it's his way of honoring his son). He always thanks me for being there that night and I am humbled because all I did was show up at the wrong time for a meeting. He needed someone to talk to and I was there, but he gave me a gift that has helped keep me sober. If I ever get lazy or complacent, I remember that night. I am responsible to help others as they helped me -- that's how it works -- and sometimes it's enough to just suit-up and show-up.


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"Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 14

It's a bit of irony that although I always seem to look for the "easy button," when left to my own devices, I can make the most seemingly effortless task difficult. I am my own worst enemy.

When I was drinking, I wanted the pain of the consequences to dissappear. I didn't really want to have to take responsibility and do something about it. Instead, I wanted some magic spell or pill to make me "normal." I just wanted to want away my problems.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action. It's not a recovery program for those who simply want it, or even those who really need it. A.A. is for those who are willing to work for it. I came to the program really needing it, then (when I saw that it worked for others) I wanted it, and finally, I became willing to work for it. I suppose that it's just like anything worth having, you get out of it what you're willing to put into it.

Part of that effort means putting God and others ahead of my own selfish desires. It means accepting that the Universe does not revolve around me and living as part of, instead of apart from, the human race. I'm not perfect, but I'm getting better -- One Day at a Time.



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"I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch. I have not had a drink since."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 13

I credit Alcoholics Anonymous for my growing relationship with God. I came to A.A. with a childhood belief in God -- A.A. convinced me to actually trust my thinking. The pain and hopelessness that came from years of alcohol abuse, provided me with a willingness to try a different approach. That willingness combined with the suggestion of surrendering my will to God offered by Alcoholics Anonymous is what gave me the courage to make that initial step of faith.

Looking back, with the perspecitive of a post-game analyst (or Monday morning quarterback), I see that I really didn't sacrafice much. Although it seemed like a big deal at the time, I merely traded my old way of doing things or my will (which wasn't really working out that well for me anyway) for a way of living that had proven successful for other alcholics. My faith and greater understanding of God began with that small gift.

In his book, "The Good Book and the Big Book," Dick B. relates how Dr. Bob condensed the program into four basic ideas or spiritual challenges: trust God, clean house, love, and serve.

Let go and let God.



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"Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"

"It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning."

"There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me -- and He came."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 12

Although I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with a belief in God, I was lacking faith. My immature understanding of God was of an all powerful presence and not a being with whom I could have a personal relationship. I trusted God for the really big things, but I didn't see how He really would concern Himself with my insignificant life.

I'm not a preacher, theologian, or biblical scholar. So, I don't have the same level of understanding as those with that vocation. I have attended church and read the Bible. So, I have a different level of understanding than those who have not.

But, in God's eyes are we any different? Is understanding religion a prerequisite for salvation? Of course not!

I saw in others how their faith had improved their lives -- I wanted what they had -- and I was willing to try anything. So, armed with my best understanding of God -- based on my life experiences up to that time -- I took the next step. I believe that the pursuit of a deeper understanding and a closer relationship with a Higher Power is what is important -- and that journey can start anywhere on the path. Happy trails!



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"My friend sat before me, and he made the point-blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed. Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up."

"Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 11

Miracles -- you don't have to believe in them, but believe that I do. My life is witness to the fact that miracles do occur. Of course, I didn't recognize it right away. It took some time and it was only in hindsight that I saw how my life had changed. When I reflect on the variety of different ways I tried to control my drinking and the countless failed attempts to quit, I know that it isn't by my own will power that I am sober today. It is only by the grace of God.

It is far more humbling to accept charity, than to give it.



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"I had always believed in a Power greater than myself. I had often pondered these things."

"I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation. But that was as far as I had gone."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 10

Like Bill, I had always considered a higher Power on an intellectual basis. But I had not developed the trusting, faithful relationship that I would later be given.

Growing up, I went to church and learned the stories in the Bible. In my teens, I even came to know Christ on a more personal level. But, my spiritual relationship was more belief than faith. I believed in God because, to me, there were no other plausible theories to explain my existence (notice how the Universe centered around me?). Evolution theory didn't explain how the primordial soup was created. And the Big Bang was flawed because even if you took creation down to the smallest fathomable particle, that "thing" still had to come from somewhere.

And besides, I really wanted to believe that there was some benevolent Father out there watching over me (even if I didn't really feel that way).

Although I'm still learning every day, I now know that in my youth, I really didn't have a clue. When I hit bottom, I was given the choice of faith when it was easy to accept. I didn't have any other good options. I've come to realize that to keep faith requires action on my part. Indeed, "Faith without works is dead."

The spiritual relationship that I am seeking today is based on the absolute knowledge that there is only one God (and I'm not Him). I can clearly see that most of my troubles were caused by my wrongly imposed will. Today, I ask for and try to receive God's will for my life. Then I simply try to do the next right thing. May God bless you.



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"He had come to pass along his experience to me -- if I cared to have it."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 9

That's how it worked for me. One afternoon, a few years ago, an angel in the form of an acquaintance approached me in my darkest hour. He was a friend when I didn't think I had any (as it turns out, I had more than I realized. It was me who hadn't been there...).

Ted (not his real name) said he recognized the same emptyness in my eyes that he had previously seen in his own. Ted was an alcoholic and he was happy. I knew he didn't drink, but I didn't think he ever had. That's probably why we had never gotten to know each other better. I didn't understand how people could just not drink. Truth be told, I was jealous of Ted. He seemed to have a handle on life (and I was out of control).

Ted casually told me about what he used to be like, how much and how often he used to drink, he told me of the people he hurt, the problems he caused, and the trouble he'd gotten into. He told me all this like he was talking to his best friend about a fishing trip. I had never been able to tell anyone about what I had done -- I was too ashamed. I wanted his courage and I wanted his freedom.

Then Ted explained what had changed the direction of his life. He told me about a conversation, very much like the one between he and I, that someone had with him. He told me that he found a program for people who could no longer control their drinking -- Alcoholics Anonymous. I replied that I had heard of A.A., but didn't really know anything about it. Ted offered to go with me to a meeting and said that if I wasn't comfortable, we could leave. Of course I said okay.

Ted said he would pick me up at 7:00 and asked if I could just not drink for the next three hours before the meeting. I said I could. He came by promptly at seven and that's how I went to my first A.A. meeting. Everyone seemed to know Ted and they came up and introduced themselves to me. I'm not sure why, but I was really nervous (and trying to act as though I wasn't). As the meeting began, one by one people introduced themselves again by saying their first name and adding, "I'm an alcoholic."

Mostly because I didn't want to stand out, when it was my turn, I said, "Hi, I'm Bill and I'm an alcoholic." That was the first time I had said that I was an alcoholic (at least out loud and certainly to other people). My heart skipped a beat, but it didn't stop cold. Strangely enough, just saying the words was liberating. By the end of the meeting, I knew I had found something special. I was still terrified, but somehow I felt better. I had a glimpse of hope that I didn't have before. I knew I'd be back.

As time has passed, I've found that it really is just that simple -- get honest with myself and other people, keep coming back, and pass along my experience, strength, and hope to someone else in need.



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"I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 8

Self-reliance... yeah right! So, how's that workin' out for ya?

I always felt that my greatest strength was my intelligence and strategic thinking. I never thought I was a genius or anything, but I was confident that if there was a problem, I could find a solution. But when it came to "solving" my drinking problem, nothing I tried on my own ever panned out as I planned for it to. The one thing I could always rely on, my mind, had failed me and I was in uncharted waters.

I was completely out of ideas... and I was afraid. I couldn't keep trying the same things I tried a thousand times before and I didn't know anyone who could understand -- let alone help. I couldn't tell anyone because the outward image I tried to project was completely different than the person on the inside and it was important to keep up that image (even if it killed me). I was terrified of people seeing me with these imperfections. I was all alone.



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"Surely this was the answer -- self-knowledge."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 7

I suppose it's a bit of a "Mars/Venus" guy thing, but once I realized that I had a problem, I wanted to fix it. It was an amazing relief to learn that there were others who thought like I did and that there was a scientific explanation for my unthinkable behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop. I began to learn all that I could about my disease and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But learning how to recover is called discovery, not recovery!

Luckily, I met some smart people in the program that knew more than me and they explained how it really works. At the end of each meeting, I'd hear the words, "It works -- if you work it!" After a while, I began to understand the meaning of that conditional phrase.

There are three primary ways of "working the program":

1. Attend meetings - there is something miraculous that occurs by sharing experience, strengths, and hope with other like-minded people.
2. Strengthen your spirtual relationship - "There is One who has all power -- that One is God. May you find Him now!"
3. Work the steps - read the Book and follow its instructions -- line-by-line, page-by-page, step-by-step (a sponsor can be a great help).

Important Note: All three are required! They're like the three legs of a stool -- if any one or two are missing, the stool will fall over.



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"The remorse, horror and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 6

How many mornings did I come to with those emotions consuming me? I remember the embarrassment over the outrageous things I did and the guilt because of the promises I didn't keep. Over time, as my actions began to define my character, I was ashamed of who I had become.

Toward the end of my drinking "career," I would have blackouts and the line between reality and my paranoid dreams was blurred. There were mornings when I couldn't remember where I had parked my car the night before and I was terrified that I would find it wrecked or impounded.

My body and soul deterioriated while I tried to maintain a rock-steady persona on the outside. My mind could not process the contradiction. I was out of control. It was like I was having an out-of-body experience where I was watching a stranger inhabit and destroy my human form and there was nothing that I could do about it. I was powerless. I had lost all hope.

A.A. first tells us that we are sick people trying to get well -- not bad people trying to get good. Just as with any disease, alcoholism not something for which we should be ashamed. Then the program provides tools to release the guilt caused by our past behavior. A.A. also offers some good advice on how to happily rejoin the human race.

There isn't any problem that drinking won't make worse and alcohol turns normal fears into horror. By eliminating alcohol and learning to deal with the root cause of my fears, I began to find hope. I began to live. Today, I am thankful that I can still remember how bad it was, but I'm even more grateful that I no longer behave that way.



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"Gradually things got worse."

"Then I got a promising business opportunity."

"Then I went on a prodigious bender, and the chance vanished."

"I woke up. This had to stop. I saw I could not take so much as one drink. I was through forever."

"Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn't know. It hadn't come to mind."

"Renewing my resolve, I tried again."

"In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
pages 5-6


To a "normal" drinker, the words above surely sound crazy. And according to Albert Einstein, who once said, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," they're right!

If you were to ask me, I'd tell you that it was my story.

The one promise I so often made and so desperately needed to keep was, "I'll never touch alcohol again." But, without help, I just simply could not do it. It wasn't until I surrendered to this simple fact, that I began to get better.

I've since learned that I don't need to make such a BIG promise. A less daunting, "I won't drink today" will do.

As the nation celebrates its independence, I am also grateful for the freedom from alcohol that I have been given through the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Have a safe and sober 4th of July. God bless America.



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"But drinking caught up with me again..."

"I found a job; then lost it..."

"My wife began to work..., coming home exhausted to find me drunk."

"Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity."

"Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation..."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
pages 4-5

Alcoholism is a disease where the sufferer not only denies the illness, but even the obvious symptoms. I couldn't admit (even to myself) that I had a drinking problem until there were no other excuses for my "living" problems. And then, I told myself that my drinking problem was the result of my hard luck (rather than the other way around -- which was obvious to everyone else)! I couldn't admit that I needed help until I was totally defeated. I hit bottom.

The insane thought that I could control my drinking kept me drunk for a long time. I grew up with the belief that I could accomplish anything if I just set my mind to it or tried hard enough. With liquor, the harder I tried to quit, the bigger my binges became. I was totally powerless and didn't have a clue.



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"My drinking assumed more serious proporations, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf."

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 3

Fairly early in the scientific study of problems associated with alcohol abuse, researcher E. M. Jellinek described alcoholism as a progressive disease and plotted the widely referenced "Jellinek Chart: The Progression and Recovery of the Alcoholic in the Disease of Alcoholism."

Somewhere toward the end of the "Crucial Phase" nearing the start of the "Chronic Phase," Jellinek notes (or predicts) the loss of friends as one of the milestones of the progressive spiral of the disease.

For me, that milestone came in my early twenties. It wasn't so much a "row" (as Bill W. described), but rather my friends just outgrew their tolerance for my excuses and broken promises. They were moving on and making something of their lives with professional careers, committed relationships, and adult interests. I was desperately trying to hold on to the fraternity boy lifestyle where I felt comfortable and accepted.

I felt abandoned and drank at my friends' "mistreatment" of me. My pride told me, "who needs them anyway" and I began to isolate in self pity. I too became a lone wolf.



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"... I became interested in the market. Many people lost money -- but some became very rich. Why not I?"

Alcoholics Anonymous
Bill's Story
page 2

I relate to this part of Bill's story in a couple of different ways. Upon graduating from college I tried to get a job as a stock broker with all the top investment houses. How naive I was to think that they would entrust the fortunes of their wealthy clientele to a kid fresh out of school with no applicable experience. So, I took their advice and went and got a few years work experience under my belt and then I got a shot at my dream job.

I now realize that my attraction to the stock market wasn't about the dealings of big business or high finance, but rather a lust for easy money (or so I thought). My motto was, "Work smarter, not harder!" And to my twisted way of thinking that meant things should come easy with little effort if I could just find the right angle.

When I was drinking I could deny the fact that my immature attitude toward life wasn't working. I'd conjure up grandiose scenarios where I was a captain of industry with fame and riches. The insanity of my "drinking thinking" had me convinced (as it did Bill) "...that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived."

Of course, the truth was quite different and I was about to receive a cold slap of reality in the face.



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